


bury my love for you

by shipperssafehaven



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:09:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26471653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shipperssafehaven/pseuds/shipperssafehaven
Summary: The voice tells him: You aren't good. You aren't enough. You aren't worth it. You don't deserve it.And JJ believes it.So, everything he feels for Pope, he buries.ORIn which Pope confesses his feelings for JJ and it doesn't go as planned.
Relationships: JJ/Pope (Outer Banks)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 32





	bury my love for you

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first fanfiction on this website so please be gentle lol. If anybody actually takes time to read this, thank you so much. I really do appreciate it! I haven't written for Mayward before so we shall see how this turns out. I apologize if this is out of character. Feedback is greatly appreciated!

They're laughing when it happens. When everything between them changes. JJ says something stupid. The kinda stupid thing that he only says because of the reaction it gets out of Pope. The reaction where Pope throws his head back in laughter, and JJ, in awe, watches and thinks... _totally worth it_. They're walking side by side, hands brushing slightly by accident and there's a mutual flutter in the pit of their stomachs. It's warm. It's light. It's familiar. And to both, it's everything. 

"You can't be serious!" Pope exclaims. 

"I'm so fuckin' serious, dude. She chased me all the way to the beach, I swear!" 

He's exaggerating. Of course, he's exaggerating. He knows this. Pope knows this. But JJ hopes it'll get Pope's lips to quirk up the way he loves, so he creates a mountain out of a molehill and rolls with it. To his prevail, it works, and while his friend's lips form into a genuine smile, JJ's heart races so hard that he's afraid it might beat out of his chest. 

"Bro, she's like 90!"

"73, actually," he corrects. 

"Well, in that case, I'm surprised she didn't tackle you like a professional NFL player," Pope says, jokingly. 

JJ laughs, always proud when Pope makes a smart remark. "Surprised you didn't get the NFL confused with the NBA again." 

The teasing makes Pope roll his eyes and snort, playfully shoving the blue-eyed boy away. "That was one time, J. Sports aren't my specialty."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I just like messing with you." 

Pope smiles. "Wish I knew why." 

"Because if I didn't mess with you, you wouldn't smile like that," JJ says softly, gesturing to Pope's wide grin. 

That's when it happens. Abruptly, all laughter fades. The friendly air surrounding them becomes charged with tension. JJ turns and raises a brow when Pope stops walking with no explanation. Pope just looks at him. Looks at him in a way he isn't used to. There's a fondness and longing to it. Feeling exposed under the weight of the other's stare, JJ shifts from one foot to the other as he lets out a nervous chuckle.

"What, man?" he asks. 

Silently, Pope shakes his head as if to say nothing but they both know he's lying. 

In a weak attempt to give him an out, JJ shrugs. "Come on then, let's just go," he says. 

He doesn't wait for a reply and begins walking again, fully hoping Pope does the same because ignoring whatever's in the air around them is much easier than addressing it. When JJ sneaks a glance at Pope, it looks like he's about to give in and join him to the boy's relief. Then he hesitates and comes to a stop again. JJ groans.

Pope's chest heaves, something that only happens when he's on edge. He looks at JJ again, really looks at him, and Pope can't help but want him. He contemplates letting it go and retreating back to pretending, but he is tired. Tired of carrying around all this love he has for JJ and having nothing to do with it. Tired of ignoring the long pauses and the tension that's never resolved. Tired of simply not being with him. 

So, Pope doesn't let it go and he doesn't pretend. Not anymore. 

Pope thinks, if JJ doesn't feel the same, well, then at least he can excuse it by saying he is _tired_. (It wouldn't be a complete lie.) 

He holds his head up high, even though he's never been more unsure in his life. His legs are on the verge of giving out and his hands visibly tremble by his sides. Pope almost chickens out but his heart beats his brain to the punch. 

"I love you." It comes out quick and small. It has the blond halting in his tracks and snapping his head back at his friend in utter shock. 

The words knock the wind right out of JJ and leave him breathless. _What?_ He lets the confusion on his face ask the question for him.

Pope bites his lip anxiously out of habit. He gulps but forces himself to face it. "I love you, JJ." This time he sounds louder. More confident. More determined. More sure. Pope sighs out in relief at his own confession, feeling free. Feeling so free that he doesn't stop, "I love you so much. I don't know how to act around it or breathe around it. I think about _it_ all the time- I think about _you_ all the time." 

_(Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.)_

Speechless, JJ blinks. He opens his mouth to speak, but it falls shut and he resorts back to blinking. Wondering. Wondering how this could be possible. He searches carefully for the right words but ultimately ends up with: "Man, what are you talkin' about?" 

"I've never felt this way about anybody before. It's different with you than it was with Kie. I've been trying to find out why and I think it's because this... this is real. I don't think I've ever actually loved anyone the way that I love you." At this point, Pope is being Pope and is rambling. Typically, JJ would find it endearing. Right now, though, it's overwhelming. "And I don't know what to do with it- all this love I have for you, I don't know what to do with it because I've never been in a serious relationship before. I know you haven't either- I mean, I don't see why, you're so great and amazing and could literally have anybody you wanted. I just...." 

It all runs together after that, turning JJ into a lost and tense mess. Pope fuckin' Heyward loves him? How? That can't be right. 

It isn't right, he tells himself. _He_ isn't right. Not for Pope, anyway. Pope could do so much better.

_(Shit. Shit. Shit.)_

" _Pope_."

"JJ, I--" 

"Listen to me, Pope," JJ says, stern and pleading. With a clenched jaw, he lets out an uneasy breath and places a firm hand on Pope's shoulder to ground him. "I know you _think_ I am good--" 

The other boy reaches out for his hand then but sadly recoils when JJ pulls it back. "Because you are," Pope insists, sounding so sure that JJ almost allows himself to believe it. "You are good, JJ. That's why I love you." 

_I love you. I love you. I love you._ The words drive him insane. He wishes Pope would stop throwing them around. 

The blond's eyes squeeze shut while he shakes his head with an urgency that rejects even the idea of him resembling something good. Something worthy. Something deserving. "But I'm not. I'm not good... Not good enough, anyway," he admits, words coming out harsher than he wants. "I'm pushing my luck just by being your friend, so I'm definitely not good enough to be your boyfriend." 

Pope deflates at that, his hands dropping to his sides while his chest aches in a way he's never known. His lip quivers, tears pricking at the corner of his eyes because the rejection of it all _hurts_. "That's not true, JJ," he says weakly.

"But it is! It is true, Pope. You're gonna go to some fancy-ass college and make something of yourself, alright? And that's fine- that's better than fine... that's great. It's what you should do. And while you're off doing that, I'm gonna be stuck here. Not doing anything nearly as fuckin' important. We're on two completely different paths, man. You're too fucking smart to believe that _this_ ," he gestures between them, "could actually work. Because it can't, Pope. It won't. That's why we should just leave it the hell alone."

Pope shakes his head at the speech as he wipes the tears from his eyes profusely.

"It doesn't have to be like that! You can come with me. We can get out of here together," Pope offers, his emotions getting the best of him. When it looks as though JJ is going to reject the idea, he grows desperate. "Or- or- or I don't even have to go. We can stay here--"

The suggestion clearly doesn't help when JJ runs his hands through his hair in frustration. His patience begins to wear thin. "Yes, Pope, you do have to go! You worked hard for it and I'm not gonna be the person who holds you back from getting out of this shithole." He wants to add and say, _That's exactly why I won't be with you_ , but some things are better left unsaid. 

"But what about me and you?" Pope questions, voice quiet and scared.

Then JJ drops the bomb.

"It is what it is, you know? Me... You... It's whatever." The way Pope's face falls completely is a punch to the gut. 

'Me... You... It's whatever.' It's not the words JJ wants to say to the boy he's been in love with for as long as he can remember. Not really. He takes what he truly wants to say and buries it in the pit of his stomach, hoping it doesn't reach his heart because if it does, he might do something reckless ( _something JJ-ish as Kie would politely put it_ ) like tell Pope that he's always loved him and that he's waited for a moment like this since forever. Because how could he not? How could he not when it's sweet-forensic pathology obsessed-too smart for his own good-Pope who's so weirdly wonderful and effortlessly remarkable? JJ couldn't help but be hopelessly in love with him. 

But there's that voice. That loud and crucial voice that's always there, telling him that he doesn't deserve it. Doesn't deserve good things. Doesn't deserve happiness. Doesn't deserve love. Most days, the voice sounds like his father. On the really bad ones, though, it sounds more like himself. Today is one of the bad days. He hears the voice- _his_ voice. It creeps into his head and poisons the hope. It grows louder and louder and louder until he wants to drown it out with the ocean's waves or a limited dose of affection from his old man. It tells him: You aren't good. You aren't enough. You aren't worth it. You don't deserve it. And JJ believes it. 

So, everything he feels for Pope, he buries. Buries it under his skin, letting it flow through his veins like second nature. The feeling never to be cut open or exposed to oxygen where it can be seen by all. He buries it. Deep in the depths of his rib cage to fulfill its purpose of protecting his weakened heart, he can only hope the feelings he feels will one day have a much-needed demise. He buries it. In his fingertips. In his toes. In his smiles. In his eyes. In his laughs. In his words. He buries it. He buries it all and inevitably, he suffocates when it slowly molds into himself, becoming a part of who he is.

It burns in his chest till the flame turns to ash and all that's left in the aftermath of destruction is the knowledge that he's the last person who's worthy of being loved by Pope. _Finally_ , JJ thinks, he knows something that Pope doesn't. 

"It'll pass, man, okay?" JJ says after a moment of silence. "Whatever you think you're feeling right now, it will go away."

Pope doesn't respond. 

"C'mon, I'll walk you home," JJ adds, hoping to ease the blow of his previous comment. 

When he doesn't get a reply, he takes that as an answer and goes to walk again. Defeated, Pope calls out, voice breaking, "That's bullshit."

JJ quickly turns back, shocked. Then wide blue eyes catch sight of teary brown ones and a wave of guilt crashes into the blond's chest harder than it should. For a split second, it strikes that he's the reason Pope is crying and he feels all the worse. He takes a sharp inhale of oxygen and holds it, only releasing it when it can't be held in any longer. JJ almost agrees with Pope because yeah... it is bullshit.

Before he can speak, Pope decides he has more to get off his chest and continues, "You not loving me back is fine but it's not up to you to decide who's good enough and who's not good enough to be my boyfriend. That's my choice to make! Not yours, JJ!"

"I know." 

"So stop using that as your reason for rejecting me and just straight up say that you don't like me. Then I'll leave it alone and we can forget this ever happened!" 

He goes to do just that but the words catch in his throat along with a lump and suddenly, he can't do it. Pope sees it, sees the pause, and visibly softens. Without another word or hesitation, the smarter of the two destroys the space between them and takes JJ's face in his hands. 

"I don't need a love confession, JJ. I don't need you to say or do anything you aren't ready for," he tells him, gently and understanding. He rubs one thumb over JJ's cheekbone and uses the other to trace the outline of his jaw, curiously. His fingertips explore, pressing into the corner of JJ's mouth. Leaning forward, Pope lightly kisses the other boy's cheek before resting their foreheads together. They're so close that when Pope sucks in a shaky breath, he feels JJ's hit his face. "All I need is some sort of confirmation, okay? Just give me _something_."

The blond leans into the touch, heart thrashing in his chest. His gaze trails from Pope's eyes to his lips. One push forward and he could have this. One push forward and he could have Pope. JJ soaks it all in, admiring the way Pope's hands shake against his skin because he's a bundle of nerves due to their close proximity. Admiring the way his eyes slowly fall shut in anticipation and the way his lips part ever so slightly without him even realizing it. Admiring the way he doesn't push forward because he's giving JJ space to decide what he wants. JJ breathes it in and takes a mental picture to lock away in his heart for later. _He really fucking loves Pope Heyward._

JJ could have this. The thought itself doesn't seem real. He could have this: could have Pope's gentle words, could have Pope's fingers roaming his jaw out of curiosity, could have Pope's forehead pressed against his, could have Pope's light kisses on his cheek, could have a relationship with the one person he truly loves more than anybody else. He could have it all and then some. 

Their lips are only a few inches apart and all he has to do is push forward to capture Pope's lips with his own. 

One kiss or three whispered words and JJ could have everything he's longed for since forever. 

He almost does it. Almost leans in and presses their lips together. _Almost_. 

But then the voice comes back: You aren't good. You aren't enough. You aren't worth it. You don't deserve it. ~~You don't deserve him.~~

And JJ believes it. Believes it so strongly that the walls that began to fall down, build themselves back up.

He backs away, blood running cold, reminding himself that he'll only hold Pope back. 

" _Pope_ ," he says, voice low and made of stone. Pope's eyes flutter open at the change of tone. JJ knows what he has to do. He harshly swallows, forcing down the emotions that try to dig through all the years of suppression. He takes Pope's wrists in his hands, pulls them away from his face, and holds them tight and steady to make sure his point is heard. Then, coldly, he whispers, " _I don't love you_." 

The silence that follows is painful and cruel, leaving the words 'I don't love you' sit in the air surrounding them. It cuts open Pope's heart, exposing every ounce of emotion he feels to JJ. He never knew something could hurt this badly. The tears escape Pope's eyes and fall from him freely, leaving never-ending tracks on his cheeks that trail down his neck. He can't find it within himself to wipe them away.

Pope can't think. All he knows is that it hurts. _It really hurts._

In spite of his broken heart, he simply nods and pulls his hands away from JJ's grasp.

He waits. Instead of walking away as he should, Pope stays right in front of the other boy and allows himself to break because he has never felt comfortable breaking in front of anyone else. He takes a desperate look at the blond and searches for something; something that will tell him the opposite of what's just been spoken. He waits. Waits for JJ to tell him he didn't mean it. Pope really hopes he didn't mean it. 

He waits and waits and waits until the pain of rejection becomes too much. 

One last look of longing and Pope finally lets the words unsettlingly rest in his stomach. _JJ doesn't love him. Not like that, at least._ And no matter how hard that is on him, Pope has to accept it for what it is. Has to respect what JJ feels. Has to respect what JJ wants. He doesn't try to speak, knowing better than to trust his voice. Instead, he nods again but this time in a way that tells JJ it's okay. That they'll be okay.

Pope doesn't wait this time. He walks away, leaving a piece of himself there with the other. 

Under his blank exterior, JJ swears his buried feelings wrap around his heart and squeeze it till he physically can't breathe. He clenches his jaw and doesn't allow any feelings to express themselves up until Pope's back is turned. It's only then when JJ finds himself blinking away tears as he watches Pope leave. 

And once he's fully gone, the blue-eyed boy wipes a singular tear that falls from the golden boy's absence. 

His feelings are still buried. Blood pumping with secrecy and ribs cracking from baggage, JJ's bones are sore from every word he didn't say. 

Despite all that, the voice tells him: You did the right thing.

And all JJ ever wants to do is the right thing. 

So, he takes the unbearable ache in his chest and buries it along with everything else... 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I wrote this. I love to suffer. I have this tagged as "angst with a happy ending" because I will be writing a second part. It was briefly inspired by the "I don't love you" scene in Good Will Hunting. Anyway, thank you so fucking much if you stuck with this the whole way through. It means a lot! I have plans to write more for jjpope in the future so I hope I only get better from here.


End file.
